It's offical. It's finally over. Time to start again

Well my attorney called me August 13^th to tell me that is official, I’m a divorced woman as of August 5^th.  Boy did that take a long time.

 The irony is after 11 months of being practically MIA my husband resurfaced on 7/20.  Yes you heard me! A year of being persona non grata he shows up wanting to get back together.  He misses me. This is the worst thing he has ever done in his life; I was the best thing that ever happened to him.  What can he do to repair it?  After I was lukewarm to his wanting to get back together, he asked if we could date?  Seriously, I almost fell on the floor.  Why because three weeks after he left I proposed that we take a step back date and get counseling to see if the marriage was worth saving.  He literally LAUGHED in my face, literally.  Anyway, he wanted to date exclusively.  Well, after taking some time to consider what he said what I felt and if I wanted to work on my marriage.  I declined the option to date exclusively however; I thought I should at least make sure I was 100% so I told him that if he asked me on a date and I was available and wanted to go then we’d go.  No promises, no commitment, no trying to get back together just dating. 

Well after a couple of dates, I have ascertained:

He was not 100% honest about his not drinking

He still has ties to the woman he left me for (i.e. I’m pretty sure his car and insurance is in her name or some other poor woman)

He has not grown one discernable bit as a result of this whole thing. 

Lastly, I’m not even sure what he misses more… he’s wife or our life. 

This is a no.  I still have not told him, I will SOON because he is telling everyone who will listen that we are working on getting back together.  This is a NO!!

Time to start dating!!!  Hold ON!! WHOOP WHOOP

Church Bulletin

Went to church on Sunday and completely forgot that my anniversary would be printed in the bulletin! UGH!  Epic fail!  I usually can plan around things like this.  So at least 20 people wished me a happy anniversary and my friends all wanted to know what we were doing.  So I smiled a lot…thanked a lot of very well-meaning people and tap danced around the plans question.  Not a good start to my Sunday….not at all.  Then went to dinner and the movies with mom both were fine. Got home and got busy around the house to keep myself occupied.  Feeling like shit today.   What should I do for my anniversary?  Right now the plan is to go to work like any other day…hope that works out for me…lol

It’s a bad day, Not a bad life.

It’s a bad moment in a really fantastic life full of family, friends love.  Full of exciting things to accomplish and lofty goals to reach.  Full of people who love me and cool people still unmet.  Full of grace and mercy.  Full of ups and downs and lessons to be learned.  It’s a bad moment within a moment!  Everything is not bad… just this one part.  It’s one big part but still there is good.  Good friends who are “babysitting” me right now and good family that are smothering me in this moment.  Good job that I just KICKED butt in this moment.  Good God that is ever present in every moment.  It’s a bad part of one moment in my life and when I look back at it will seem like divine providence.  It will be the boulder I climbed that showed me how strong I really am.  It will be the lesson I needed to learn to get, be, do more.  It will be the bad part of a moment in a glorious life.

So today I say it is not always good…but it is ALL GOOD!! Romans 8:28

And then there was one...

love it or list it

So we’re watching TV…that program Love it or List it.  Anyway there’s a black couple on and I say “I like her” nonchalantly and my husband says…..wait for it…WAIT for it!!  “I don’t! She reminds me of you”.  So I laugh because I’m completely caught off guard and he starts trying to fix it… I tell him “don’t bother… no worries…your right that’s probably why I like her”. 

Can’t make this shit up folks!!!

Final Sale?

I recently had a conversation with a woman I love like a sister about marriage... in particular first time marriage after the age of 40. She was questioning if she indeed still wanted to get married or if she was just saying and “believing” what she thought she wanted as a young woman.  If in fact she had the desire and frankly disposition for marriage after having been single all this time.  This made me think about my situation.

I think I can honestly say that I wanted to get married.  That I like to idea of being married.  That I believe that in theory marriage is the great institution.  Sadly, I am not able to say that I like being married.  I am in fact pretty darn sure that I could have lived a perfectly happy life without this marriage.  That I did a piss poor job of adequately vetting an appropriate mate (for me) and am subsequently failing miserably at being a wife.  My husband has a saying… “What makes you laugh will make you cry.” And he could not be more correct.  I want to note right here that there is NOTHING wrong with my husband as an individual.  That he is a good man and does the best he can and I really hope he believes the same of me.  Believing he is doing the best he can is one reason we are still together.  Believing that this is the best love he can provide is in a way comforting.

 I often wonder if I’m doing my best.  Is this my best? What am I supposed to be doing, feeling, wanting? Are my expectations just too high? Is this what marriage is…this constant compromise and settling?  If I endure this part does it get better or am I supposed to acquiesce? If I do eventually get use to this… am I just worn down or really evolving?  And if I’m evolving, what am I turning into? Do I want to even be that person (whoever she is)? 

I do understand that marriage takes compromise.  I get that, but how much and of what?  Is there someplace that I can go to get these answers?  Is there a book that I could read?  When do I know that the limit has been exceeded? Is there a predefined limit? FUCK! more questions no friggin answers!

So if I was going to give any advice to my sisterfriend it would be the vetting process is CRUCIAL! Take off those rosy “I’m in love” glasses and really see the person you are considering marrying and let him see you.  If you have issues…work on them now.  Quickly do as much triage to your soul as you can because if you don’t….it will bleed all over you white linen and dress!  The vetting process is a two way street.  Know yourself first….then get to know him.  Watch with a critical eye (not judgmental…critical).  Know what you are buying because the return policy on marriage is freaking crazy!!

Whose Bad?

As we approach the last quarter of the year.  I’m looking back on the 4 goals I put in front of myself with a bit of malaise in regard to my performance.   So I must get it together and see what kind of catch-up is actually possible and get to getting!!

Goal 1: Get Gun License – well I did my part and now I wait and wait and wait for the county to do theirs.  At this point all I can do is wait; based on the timelines they provided I got my class completed and paperwork in with plenty of time to spare.   That said, if the government could be held accountable to deadlines they are already 2 months behind.   Since we know they cannot I wait and HOPE I get some kind of notification before the end of the year. 

Goal 2: Go natural – DONE!!  Yeah for one completed goal this year.  Did the BC on 4/6 and am currently rocking my first twist out!!  I like my hair and the relative ease.  It is not maintenance free however, so that has been a lesson learned.  In fact since I have no real idea how to style my hair in its natural state it’s been a challenge.  Everything is new and not everything is pretty…lol

Goal 3: lose 50 pounds – Hands down a HUGE failure here!!  Perhaps I can get together for the last quarter and lose 10-15?  Maybe, I don’t know…. Just can’t get my head around caring enough…ugh

Goal 4: Get motorcycle license – While I do think I have some legitimate excuses (uhmm reasons) why this didn’t happen the bottom line is it failed to become a priority in the mist if other things that were going on in my life this summer.  That said I’m committed to getting the permit this quarter so I can take the riding class next spring!!   So We’ll consider that ½ done if anyone else is keeping score

So at the ¾ mark of the year of the badass, its well… not quite that damn bad!!  UGH.  So by the end of the year I predict I’ll be a gun license having (barring my neighbors failing me on the back ground check), natural hair sporting, motorcycle permit having cubby girl….lol 

Damn so close

Tall Slut No Panties

Some of you already now, I watch TV to be entertained…laugh even.  I do not watch reality TV with all its angst and drama because I have enough of that in my own damn life and don’t need to watch other people react poorly, behave barbarically and/or be continually victims or victimizers.  When I watch the idiot box I want to see one of three things, something to make me laugh, something to make me think or sports.  That’s it!  Heck lately the news doesn’t even fall into the something to make me think category and I’m having a hard time watching that…ugh.

Anyway this is NOT about TV and the perils within, however one of my new favorite shows Don’t trust the B---- in apt 23.  Got me to thinking out loud in front of my husband (huge mistake) and the subsequent dialogue is blog worthy.

So let me set this up… the season finale of Don’t trust… was about Chloe actually acknowledging that she was friends with her roommate June.  In the process of this mayhem it is revealed that there is a Japanese anime book being published about Chloe’s life called “Shitagi Nashi”; which loosely translated means Tall Slut No Panties.    Apparently there is a guy quietly staking Chloe and chronicling her life in this comic book and let’s just say that Chloe is a free spirit. 

OK so I’m watching the show and laughing at how incurably narcissistic Chloe is and I say out loud to no one in particular.  “Damn I use to be Tall Slut No Panties, what the hell happened to me?”

Doesn’t the husband say… “Yeah what happened to you?” 

Seriously, WTF just happened?  Did he really just answer a rhetorical question that was not even aimed at him?  Did he really have the nerve to chime in with agreement?  So I give him a chance to “fix” the situation by saying “Huh? What did you say?”

and….. Wait for it…..  

Doesn’t he start listing the slutty shit I USED to do!!!  I know all the women are right now laughing your asses off thinking “Oh Lord” (in your Bernie Mac voice) because you already know his ass is in trouble with a capital T!!

So here’s where I bring this full circle back to reality TV and why I don’t watch it… IF I was a reality TV watcher I would be subliminally influenced to tear his ass up… and I mean tear him up!!  Go for the jugular, start talking about all the shit he used to do or better yet all the shit I thought he would do but it turns he has no clue how, when or why he should do any of it.  It’s kind of like the slow draining tub issue I have going on right now.  Are you really taking a shower in 3 inches of water every day and you can’t think to take the damn plunger and fix the damn thing or better yet when I put the plunger in the tub you can’t even think through….. OH, maybe I should try and unclog the drain…OR move the plunger!!    And this is just the TIP of the iceberg, Oh I got stuff I could say….and how!!
However, since I watch sitcoms, I’ve been subliminally conditioned to stay away from hateful banter because frankly it’s just not that funny and go straight for the punch line.  So to his list of things I USE to do I say…

Oh well seems you married Tall Slut No Panties and managed to turn her into Fat Wife Granny Panties….sucks to be you, huh sparky?

Ass….

What cost $150 an inch?

Breathing Room that's what!!

So I’ve been neglecting the blog because I really don’t want to write what I need to write about so I’ve just been stuck on nothing… Everything I could write about seems silly and inconsequential.  Not that anything thus far is of any real significance…. But that is hardly the point.

Today I’m going to buy a king size bed because I need more space…much more and without sounding full of mystery and drama.  I really need more space.  UGH

I’m without a doubt creating distance and frankly I need the distance even in my sleep.  So off I go to spend thousands of dollars for what amounts to 20 inches of additional space. 

I always wanted a king size bed and mom is going to take the one I have now since it’s still has years left on it. 

I think I’ll buy myself some new down pillows too…

Rainbows...