And then there was one...

love it or list it

So we’re watching TV…that program Love it or List it.  Anyway there’s a black couple on and I say “I like her” nonchalantly and my husband says…..wait for it…WAIT for it!!  “I don’t! She reminds me of you”.  So I laugh because I’m completely caught off guard and he starts trying to fix it… I tell him “don’t bother… no worries…your right that’s probably why I like her”. 

Can’t make this shit up folks!!!

Final Sale?

I recently had a conversation with a woman I love like a sister about marriage... in particular first time marriage after the age of 40. She was questioning if she indeed still wanted to get married or if she was just saying and “believing” what she thought she wanted as a young woman.  If in fact she had the desire and frankly disposition for marriage after having been single all this time.  This made me think about my situation.

I think I can honestly say that I wanted to get married.  That I like to idea of being married.  That I believe that in theory marriage is the great institution.  Sadly, I am not able to say that I like being married.  I am in fact pretty darn sure that I could have lived a perfectly happy life without this marriage.  That I did a piss poor job of adequately vetting an appropriate mate (for me) and am subsequently failing miserably at being a wife.  My husband has a saying… “What makes you laugh will make you cry.” And he could not be more correct.  I want to note right here that there is NOTHING wrong with my husband as an individual.  That he is a good man and does the best he can and I really hope he believes the same of me.  Believing he is doing the best he can is one reason we are still together.  Believing that this is the best love he can provide is in a way comforting.

 I often wonder if I’m doing my best.  Is this my best? What am I supposed to be doing, feeling, wanting? Are my expectations just too high? Is this what marriage is…this constant compromise and settling?  If I endure this part does it get better or am I supposed to acquiesce? If I do eventually get use to this… am I just worn down or really evolving?  And if I’m evolving, what am I turning into? Do I want to even be that person (whoever she is)? 

I do understand that marriage takes compromise.  I get that, but how much and of what?  Is there someplace that I can go to get these answers?  Is there a book that I could read?  When do I know that the limit has been exceeded? Is there a predefined limit? FUCK! more questions no friggin answers!

So if I was going to give any advice to my sisterfriend it would be the vetting process is CRUCIAL! Take off those rosy “I’m in love” glasses and really see the person you are considering marrying and let him see you.  If you have issues…work on them now.  Quickly do as much triage to your soul as you can because if you don’t….it will bleed all over you white linen and dress!  The vetting process is a two way street.  Know yourself first….then get to know him.  Watch with a critical eye (not judgmental…critical).  Know what you are buying because the return policy on marriage is freaking crazy!!