Rainbows...

Why I suck a Zumba and you should to!

Ok so after a few consistent weeks of Zumba, I can say without hesitation that I suck at it.  REALLY REALLY suck at it.  That said I kind of like it…weird huh? 

After considerable consideration, I think the reasons I suck at Zumba are all my own, have nothing to do with the instructors ability and frankly probably not fixable, therefore I will always suck at it.  Which by the way is OK with me.   I figure you can’t be good at everything and sucking at something is no reason to stop when you are getting good RESULTS anyway. 

Ok so here’s why I suck:

1.       I’m just not the most coordinated sister in the world.  Plain and simple – I’m clumsy.

2.       I’ve never been the best dancer.  In fact when I was in HS my friends (God love them) would spend HOURS and HOURS teaching me the newest dance so I wouldn’t make a fool of myself.  There were just random dance checks…”Drena, do the woop.”  If I did it right…. They join in smiling giving me five.  If I looked crazy…They would all join in until it was better.  FUNNY STUFF!!

3.       I don’t have the bandwidth or frankly inclination to remember the routines.  Seriously, that is just never going to happen. 

4.       This one is my favorite… there are so many woman in my class with absolutely NO rhythm that if I look left or right I’m done…completely off beat and going to wrong way.  That can go for the instructors too.  Who sometimes seem to be doing the routine but not necessarily to the music if you get what I’m saying.  So I get all confused.

5.       Lastly, I don’t always pay enough attention to the instructor and she is saying one thing and I’m off in my head someplace and doing another

So that is why I suck, which wouldn’t be too bad if I could be at all inconspicuous.  But there is no change of that happening since my class is full of Barbie like specimens and college students.  So, I stand out like a fly in milk.  Happily that doesn’t seem to bother me much.    Given the size disparity it really is more their problem than mine.   That’s a badass way of seeing it…right?

Anyway, today is a new class called Willpower and Grace.   So let’s see if I’m any better at this it looks intense: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7El9wWd2ViQ

Badass to the Bone!

I’ve been doing absolutely horrible on my eating right and exercise plan for 2012 for the last two weeks!  Not sure why it so damn easy to fall off the wagon but any change in schedule is enough for me to find myself running behind the wagon – just half heartily gimping along acting like I’m really trying to get back on board.  My down fall is sugar (well primarily – we’ll ignore fat for this conversation) and I cannot tell you how many sweet tarts I ate last week.   So between all the sugar around the office last week and my sales meeting throwing me off my exercise schedule …OY.  Yes I know and can hear it myself…..EXCUSES, EXCUSES, EXCUSES!! 

So last night I sat up and tortured myself by watching a marathon of “My 600lb life”!  First, for the record I don’t have body dimorphic disease.  I know I’m not close to where those people are.  I know that it would take years for me to get there however, I do feel like given the right set of circumstances I could get close.  From what I saw all you need is an enabler (I have one – Hubby), a food addiction ( If I don’t have one I’ve got to be pretty close), be predisposed to weight gain and lastly be able to justify bad behavior!  Well that would be me in a nutshell – CRAP! I really need to get rid of my enabler!!  OK, that was a joke but kind of ironic that I choose the one trait that has nothing to do with me changing….Y’all pray for me!!

Anyway, it’s back on the grind this week.  Back to eating better – NO CANDY, NO JUNKFOOD – Funny cutting those two things out of my diet is enough to get me to a steady 1-2lbs a week weight loss.  UGH that truth is so ugly sometimes.  NO CANDY! NO JUNKFOOD!  By default that makes my diet low card because that’s how I get my carbs other than that I’m a meat eater by nature.  Also back to exercise – its Monday so its ZUMBA night! 

So this year is the year of the Badass!  Part of being a badass is finishing the things I start.  Getting things off my bucket list and looking like the person I see in my head!  She is a badass!!

Good thing I don’t have to do it all by myself:

Philippians 1:6

⁶Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ:

Yes, I knit

So here’s what I figured out the other day.  If you doing anything constructive/creative outside of work, church (in my circles anyway) and family.  You are lumped in to a group of people with “too much time on your hands” or the dreaded people with “nothing else better to do”.  It seems that lots of people are just too busy to do or pursue anything that they actually love or like to do and because they are sooooo busy they resent anyone who chooses otherwise and in their resentment they marginalize your work and your life/time to make themselves feel better.

So if you know me you are already laughing because you also know that I’m about to go bullshit on a few people!

First, yes I knit!  Why that is such a freaking shocker to people is beyond me.  Is there a type of woman that knits and I simply don’t fit the bill?  Or are you just so narrow-minded and ignorant that you believe that young(ish) black woman are too busy making babies and drinking malt liquor or selling out and castrating their men to actually choose and be proficient at a productive and beautiful craft?  Which one is it?  Here’s a shocker, I have other friends who knit, crochet, scrapbook, take pictures etc.  Who are accomplished, well rounded, happy, involved woman with families, jobs, lives, responsibilities and OH MY GOODNESS will wonder ever cease….TIME to do what they love to do! 

Second, NO I’m not making you anything so please stop asking!  Quit boring me with your lame and INSULTING excuses

How is it that you can stand in my face and say… “I wish I had time to do something like that” and then ask me to make you something?   Am I in the twilight zone?  Btw…how many hours of TV do you watch a night.  Statics say that the average American watches 34 hours a week of television.  That is close to 5 hours a day!  Just 6 hours short of a full time job!  So even if you (Ms. Make me a shawl) are on the low end of the spectrum.  You have plenty of time to make your own damn shawl. 

I love when you say….”I can’t learn how to do that or I’m not good at stuff like that.”  Really, stuff like what? When was the last time you tried stuff like this? Is that comment meant as a compliment?  Well for the record is comes of condescending , disingenuous and patronizing , ESPECIALLY when you follow it up with…You should make me one of those.   Uh, yeah the answer is NO again.  The origin of knitting goes back to the 11^th century, surely if some peasant girl in Egypt can figure it out, you can.  Unless of course, I’ve mistakenly thought you were just narrow-minded and ignorant and it turns out  you have real mental deficiency; then maybe you don’t have the hand/eye coordination or mental capacity to pull knitting off.  If that is the case…..I’m sorry and will add you to the charity projects list.  Just know that I’m already committed to the oncology ward, the veteran’s hospital and the city mission this year so it won’t be coming anytime soon. 

No you cannot pay me to make you the scarf I made my sister/mother/friend/husband/daughter/etc.  Well you could……. but once I told you what it was cost (taking into consideration my time), you informed me that you could buy one for Wal-Mart for $10 or Macy’s for $30.  Which of course makes me wonder why your time is so valuable but mine is worth only between $.10 to $.1.25 and hour!  How a person is supposed to NOT get offended by this mess is beyond me.

Lastly, Yes I knit/crochet and have been known to scrapbook.  Not because I’m a person with a ton of time on my hand but because I CHOOSE to spend the time I do have creating something I think is beautiful.  Because time is the most precious of all commodities and when I spend it making something for someone I love they know it cannot be undone, returned or unspent.  Because spending my life and time producing something that is not only beautiful but tangible is important to me. 

It’s not that we have too much time or nothing better to do.  In fact, it seems to me that all these crafts of love are about time…not wasting it or using it up but spending it!  Spending it wisely 

My goddaughter said something to me the other day that speaks to my love of knitting and how I think about the time I spend doing it.

“Auntie, you know why I love you?”

“Why?” I said

“Because you were there for my mommy”

Because I was there, sitting, chatting waiting laughing, SPENDING TIME when her mommy needed it. (and yes I brought my knitting J)

Going Natural

I think I’m going natural…

One of the things I keep reading about going natural is that it should be chronicled and while I’m halfheartedly accepting this idea there is one thing about going natural (to date anyway) that really has me perplexed.    

When I mention that I’m considering going natural people are asking me “why?”, “What made you decided to do that?” It maked me wonder why I need a reason to go natural.  Why do I need a reason to be me?  Why do I have to justify NOT changing my appearance?  Why do I have to have a “reason” to look the way God intended me to (well minus the bushy eyebrows and mustache….He and I will talk about that at a later date)?

 No one asked me why….. when I had a china-straight weave going down my back. No one asked me why, when I dyed my hair “honey blonde”.   Not one person asked me why when I had blonde streaks.  Not a one!  So based on my experience as long as I’m doing something unnatural it’s OK….. No explanation needed.  But as soon as I “revert” back to something entirely natural, I need to justify that decision.  I need a reason to NOT chemically alter my appearance.  Is this odd to anyone else?

So having put (too much) time into thinking about this why question here it goes….

1.       40 is a bitch and it does not like my hair being relaxed.  My once soft, flowing hair is now tough and unwieldy even after a relaxer.  It simply will not do what it always did, it never looks good to me and it was getting on my nerves

2.       After over 30 years of processing I think my brain needs a bit of a rest for soaking up sodium hydroxide, ammonium thioglycolate and ammonium sulfate just to name a few of the chemicals that have been leaching into my brain.

3.       I’ve always admired and loved the look of natural hair on black women and frankly have not had the nerve to do it myself.  That said I’m 40ish and if not now….when?

4.       Natural hair is far more accepted these days than it’s ever been (note #3) and there is a TON of information, products and supportive woman to help you along the journey!

5.       Lastly, I’m ready for something new.  I want to look like the person I envision myself to be.  The person I envision MYSELF to be and she not only has natural hair (dreds) but she also is fit and strong and sexy and smart and and and

So there you go…. That’s why.

It’s not some antiestablishment, pseudo political fight the powers that be, statement of the beauty and worth of black woman everywhere. 

It’s me doing what I always wanted to do but didn’t have enough nerve or frankly self-esteem to do when I was younger and I get to save a few brain cells to boot!!

Any other questions?

The Eddie and Vanessa Long Saga (well how I see it anyway)

http://www.theroot.com/buzz/eddie-longs-wife-wont-leave-him-after-all/

The off again on again marraige of Bishop Eddie and his wife have some confused.  Not me this is how I figured it went down!

(I kept telling that fool that if he didn’t pay me off like he did those boys I was going to file for divorce.  I told him and I told him.  He thought I was playing.) - Vanessa thinking last night

Assistant – “Uh….Bishop Long?”

BL – yes

Assist – “have you see the news this morning?”

BL –uhhhh No, Why?  Please don’t tell me another one of my…uhmm no I mean THOSE boys have shown up?!

Assist – Well no sir, it’s not that… You might want to read it for yourself (hands newspaper)

BL - #$%^&^  *(&^%!, %^&^$&*  Get Vanessa on the phone!!! ^&*%$

Vanessa – Hello

BL  - don’t hello me!!  What the hell Vanessa?

Van  - Look I told your janky ass to give me my money… but NOOOO you want to KEEP playing me for a fool.  I guess we’ll see who “your” people believe this time.  I aint no little hood rat Eddie.  You really need to get your mind right about this and NOW

BL - %^&$# my mother told me not to marry your &*^%$ ass!

Van – Why did she know you liked little boys too?  Was it JUST me that didn’t know, huh Eddie? Please don’t tell me Mama Long did me dirty too?!! Whatever…..Again I’m thinking you might want to reconsider my very generous offer

BL - $%#@!*&

Van – Oh I got your ^%$#@* right here!!  I’m just saying, how long do you think it will be before Oprah calls me for an interview?  I love that Larry King… you think he’ll call?

BL – Fine &^*^%$!

Van – Fine what? Fine what Eddie?

BL – Whatever!  It’s yours

Van – What’s mine Eddie? I need to hear you say it!

BL – the house, the car, the money it’s YOURS!!! You happy now? Huh %$&&*! Don’t matter………… I’ll make it again and again and AGAIN!  ^%$#@(!

Van – Glad we had this little chat Eddie.  Keep checking the news this afternoon

BL -  humph

Van – And Eddie – don’t keep testing me, This was your third strike

BL – what are you talking about 3^rd strike

Van – 1^st strike was that hair piece, 2^nd strike was those boys, continuing to test my patience that’s the 3^rd.  Please don’t make me out you (all puns intended) Like I said keep watching the news - CLICK

Like I needed another reason to hate the Boston Red Socks

http://www.beforebarack.com/2011/11/20/odd-children-free-for-raping-or-those-same-people-wouldve-never-let-that-happen-to-dogs/

The Secret Society of Married Ladies

I am absolutely sick a freaking tired of people asking me…”How’s it going?”  How’s married life a year in?”  etcetera  etcetera.  I’ve actually tried several different levels of responses to see if I can get a genuine response that means something to me…but alas No.  At this point I’m under the well tested and frankly, well-worn opinion that even the people who ask you don’t really care.  AND frankly, they already have an answer in their heads that they want to hear so it doesn’t matter what you say.  That is except women who have been married for more than 5-7 years.  They (God bless their souls) seem to actually be asking you the question with no expectation.  AND I LOVE THEM FOR IT!!!

The first group of inquisitors is - single woman, they are the group that gets on my nerves the most.  I’ve wondered why they simply do ask the question in its intended form.  Why they waste the effort in trying to make it sound neutral.

Single Women say, “How’s it going?”

Single Women mean, “Isn’t marriage great?  You look so much happier sense you got married. Aren’t you the happiest you’ve ever been in your whole entire life? Aren’t you floating on cloud nine every day? It’s great right?”

Seriously, how does one answer such a loaded question with any honestly at all?  Weirdly, I’ve found that I’m bound by some secret society of married ladies to perpetuate the fairytale.  Not sure when I got inducted in or even when I learned the rules I seem to have down pat, but I’m in – a blood oath sworn in member.  And apparently one of my primary duties is to collect more members.  So when one of the single women I know approaches me, smiling from ear to ear with a little sparkle in her eye... I answer “GREAT!  It’s just great!  I couldn’t be happier.” And I let her bask in the warmth and glow of my love.  I kind of hate them a little…but knowing that one day they too may get the “privilege” of doing this very same thing give me the tiniest bit if joy. 

The second group of inquisitors is – men, this group generally offends me.  For one as a group they have multiple motives so it would be tricky to answer their question honestly.  Luckily, I’m well verse in the Married Woman’s Code of Conduct and they don’t have a shot of me answering honestly anyway.   They too mask their intent behind what seems like an innocent question.

Men Say,” How’s married life treating you?”

Men mean, “Old boy holding it down, because I could tighten you up if you need me to?”
Men mean, “Aren’t you sorry you picked him over me?”
Men mean, “Is it really possible to be married and happy?”
Men mean, “Are you still available?”

So as you can see, not having the burden of having to even consider answering honestly is a bit of a relief when it comes to the men.  If I just answer, “GREAT!  It’s just great!  I couldn’t be happier.” I can pretend he didn’t just subtly hit on me.  I can pretend that he is not standing there gloating.  And to the few genuine gentlemen that are contemplating asking some lovely single woman to marry him….I’m doing my part for the society.  So this group (for the most part) though they are offensive (seriously I’d hope they’d have higher expectations of me) I don’t hate them even a little.  It’s still nice to know someone is checking for you every now and again.

Now on to my FAVORITE group and I’m not afraid to say that yes I’m crushing on them a little bit!! My married ladies - The woman who somehow secretly inducted me into their society, taught me the rules of engagement and turned me loose on the world – Oh how I love thee!!   So much so that I’ve written you this little poem:

Ode to My Married Ladies

I love thee for your candor and great advice.

I love thee for your hugs and words soothing and nice.

I love thee for your wisdom you so eagerly share.

Oh I love thee because you really do care!!

 There’s no hidden meaning behind your questions?  No artificial modulated expectations have been laden on your questions.  You’ve been where I am and know what could be going on.  You already know that for the most part marriage (especially in the first few years) is WORK.  That if you were a happy contented person prior to marriage and it’s a good chance that you still are.  That the fact that he gets on your nerves doesn’t mean you are throwing him back into the pool.  That yes right about the year mark, it settles in that this is the sex you will have for the rest of your life – good, bad or indifferent – for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.   That there is a timing, a groove so to speak to marriage that you may or may not be settling into yet and either way…it’s OK.  That if you stick to it, it will come.  That the socks that are in the middle of your bedroom floor today that make you want to pick them up and cram down his throat while he sleeps,  will one day fade into the background and be utterly unnoticed.  That today might be a bad day but over time the good days will out weight the bad 10 to 1….if you work at it.  That carving out your own space after a year of being stuck like glue can be a painful process for one or both of you but needed and worth the effort.  These are just a few of the things this secret society of married ladies has imparted to me about years 1-3 of marriage.  Simple because when…

Married Women say, “How’s it going?”

Married Women mean, “No seriously, how’s it going?”

Mother's Tired

Mother’s tired
It’s all because of you
These tears I rain
This hot bubbling I can’t keep inside
The reason I’m hot and cold
At the same time in the wrong places

You, you made me this way
With your
Sowing and reaping
You misuse and abuse

Your children, your father and your father’s father
With their
Dying and needing
Always wanting more and whining

But today TODAY I showed you

Mother showed you alright
Earthquakes and hurricanes
Flooding and drought
Fires burning on water

I’ve warned you again and again

Your fathers coming!!

8/31/11

Written as a result of watching the nightly news where they talked about Hurricane Irene, hurting the same people who were hurt by the earthquake.  Then Vermont because of the flooding and then to the middle of America for the drought and lastly the marsh fire in Louisiana

One Year Later - What I remember most!

Ok so a year later while evauluting the "value" assoicated with the wedding.  I thought what do I remember most? So much of the day is a blurr of rushing around, butterflies in your stomach, very excited people its really hard to remember it all.  So here's what made my top 20 list. 

1.       Having the hair and eyelashes that my mom wanted for her dream wedding.  If left up to me I would have gotten my hair cut that day into a short sassy style.  Instead I ended up with big wedding hair – that was nice but not me.

2.       Loving my dress that fit perfectly until my mother and sister got hold of it and kept pulling it up (to cover the girls) and the straps kept falling off my shoulders.  So I ended up looking like a damn orphan walking down the aisle.

3.       Loving my shoes!!

4.       Wishing DH’s family and BFF-C  were there for the photos before the wedding

5.       My DH reaction to me at “the reveal”

6.       Thinking his suit looks better than the tux we rented…what  complete waste of money

7.       My mom’s friend taking me through the McDonalds drive thru to get something to eat so I didn’t pass out. 

8.       My Goddaughter – Grace doing all she could to steal my shine!!  Seriously she was the hit of the wedding.   

9.       Thinking….. “Did we really invite all these people to our wedding?”

10.   Wishing one of the photographers were taking pictures of DH while I walked down the aisle – he was all teary and I would have loved a shot of that!!

11.   Divorce is not an option

12.   Stuck like glue

13.   Dion’s ring not fitting and pastors face when I told him… ”hold on I can’t get this thing on!”

14.   DH’s daughters face when we jumped the broom

15.   Rocky’s singing the Lord’s Prayer

16.   My husband pouting at the reception because his feet hurt in the rented shoes he had on

17.   My husband almost blowing a gasket because my mother invited a certain person to the “after dinner”

18.   One of my friends just NOT leaving…. Really the party’s over

19.   My red shoes…did I mention my red shoes!!

20.   My rings just a bllnging!